Thank you so much for your kind words and sympathy with the passing of my dear friend, Arwin. I still can’t think about her without crying. It’s just going to take time, I suppose, to get to a point where I can remember with joy rather than pain.
I also have to say thank you to the staff at the Emergency Vet. I know they won’t read this – but still. They were so kind and gentle, with both Arwin and me. They were even sweet enough to take the picture I posted of the two of us, since I didn’t have one. The vet who put her to sleep was kind and caring – petting her the whole time, talking to her. It was very sweet.
It’s crazy – at least to me – that no death that I’ve experienced has hit me this hard. Not even my Grandmother’s death produced this much emotion in me. I’m angry one minute and crying the next; I’m just trying to get past these ideas and thoughts in my head. I should have known something was wrong. Why didn’t we catch any other warning signs if the mass was so large? Did I do right by her? Did I make the right decision to put her to sleep?
Of course, I know that I did the right thing. I’ve been doing some research online about feline pancreatic cancer tonight. It seems that, even with short term treatments, the animal never lives a full year, let alone a couple of months, once they reach the point that Arwin did. And the cancer is also very quick and extremely aggressive. The tumor was actually blocking her large intestine, and even surgery would have been too much for her – and not enough to save her. I would never want to prolong her suffering. It comes to a point where it is quality of life over quantity. What would two or three more weeks have meant, in the long run? Not very much. In a way, I’m thankful that I was able to end her suffering, and that it all ended in a peaceful way. When we see a human family member or friend suffer, all we want is for them to have a peaceful end to their misery, but all we can do is comfort care and wait. I am thankful – although sad and heart broken – that I was able to help her in that way. She did so much for me in many ways – I just couldn’t let her be in any more pain.
I’ll get her ashes back next Monday, and I plan on burying her in the backyard when the ground thaws this spring. I found a very nice granite monument as well. I think I’ll plant some tulips or daffodils around her grave as well … something colorful and cheery.
I’m still a mess. I feel like a piece of me is missing somehow, and all I can do is cry. But thank you again for all your kind words. They mean so much.